Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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