That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
