I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
