Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
