whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
