I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
