bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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