I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
