You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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