i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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