The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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