Yo dont text me then not text me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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