I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
