Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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