chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
