we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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