I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
