hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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