hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
