I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
