yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
