Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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