I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
People with herpes should wear stickers.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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