Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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