You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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