I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
