i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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