I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
