that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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