oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
