Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
