there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
