hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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