i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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