my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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