Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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