Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
