evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
