I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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