dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
