I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
