Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
