Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm both gender and math confused
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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