She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
