look no pants
I faked an abortion last night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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