GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
