Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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