Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My penis needs a shock collar
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
