Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
