I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
