When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
