Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
