We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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