He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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