i don't like sucking hair
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
