Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I had to cum in my sink.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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