he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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