My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Terrible idea I love it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
