what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
