Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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