my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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