he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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